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Road to Recovery



We all have a story that is unique to us and here is mine.
 
Holly
11 Years in Progress

My name is Holly and I am an alcoholic and addict of any and all things that is going to change how I feel.

 I used to think I was unique and different from all the rest but the truth is, I'm not.  We all have a story that is unique to us and here is mine.

Alcoholism runs deep in my family, so I grew up with it as "the norm." There wasn't a family gathering where alcohol wasn't involved.  I remember babies being given sips of beer and people following others home to make sure they got home safely.  Us kids were served sparkling apple cider in champagne glasses, and we felt like the grown-ups.  There were times where family members would be "on the wagon" for spurts of time and at one point, I learned that one member in particular was a "real alcoholic" and the rest weren't "as bad" as he was.  His story was one I wasn't going to live and his life was the bar I was NOT going to reach. As long as I remained below that bar, I was good. So I thought.

I started drinking at 18 years old and looking back, I have always drunk alcoholically.  I pretty much had a hangover every single time I drank. I remember that same family member telling me "don't ever admit to having a hangover" and I took that advice. I tried my best to take it but there was no hiding my hangovers. They felt like death and I would swear up and down never to do that again but of course, I did. Countless times over.

My drinking caused many problems over the course of a 14 year period: I crashed 3 cars, got 2 DUIs, I made a spectacle of myself in black outs, hurt people's feelings, defaced property and experienced severe depression.  The darkness that alcohol brought upon my life was unbearable and yet it wasn't enough to get me to quit.  I had literally reached that bar I swore I wouldn't reach and I couldn't stop.  The thought of quitting meant life was over. The fun was over. I'd never enjoy myself again.

Drugs are also a big part of my story: cocaine, Adderall, magic mushrooms and my favorite, marijuana; they all played a huge role in keeping me emotionally and mentally ill.  After I quit drinking in 2012, I used the latter 3 over the course of 9 years.  I justified this by saying that alcohol was what would kill me, I could handle the rest; disregarding the hospital visit, heart palpitations, psychosis, anxiety and severe depression.  I was doing all of these things while participating in AA off and on the entire time and trying to be a good wife and mom.  I wasn't.

One thing that has always been present and saved me from extreme harm is my Higher Power, whom I call the God of Heaven and Earth.

I found Him again in the rooms of AA. In 2020 I started going to church again and in the summer of 2022, I heard Him say "Holly, I can't use you if you are using." So, I quit using marijuana for good and I just celebrated 1 year of clean and sober time. 

My life improved tremendously when I fully surrendered to living my life in God's will and got even better when I got sober. I have a sponsor I love and am working the 12 steps thoroughly for the first time since entering AA over 11 years ago. I am a present wife and mother, a worker among workers and try to be of service as much as possible. I am so grateful for all of the suffering I put myself through because it led me to today and I wouldn't trade my life for anything.

Thank you for letting me share.

 

Holly

11 Years in Progress

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